How To Deal With Your Wife Cheating?

You Caught Her Red Handed, Now What? Now that the truth has come out and you finally know that your wife has indeed cheated on you, it is time to make decisions. Finding out your spouse has had an affair is hard to deal with, but figuring out how to deal with it doesn’t have to be.

With the rate of marital cheating on the rise in the past decades due to increased ease of communication, it isn’t surprising that the number of wives cheating on their husbands is finally catching up to the number of husbands who stray.

If women report this number in the same manner they under share their number of sexual partners, we can only assume the number of admitted adulterers is far downplayed as well.

While only 25% of all married women admitting to cheating at least once in their marriage does seem low, this is a whopping 40% higher than it was in 1996 and is still on the rise.

Cheating is currently the leading cause of divorce. This national issue is one that affects entire families. Infidelity is still considered a faux pas to openly discuss, so when tragedy strikes its victims are left blindsided and without support. Many spouses remain in their unhappy and dishonest marriages simply because they don’t know how to move on from the hardship.

While it is hard and can be frustrating, it is possible to move on to a more hopeful and happy place. Here is a step-by-step guide to guide you toward the path to recovery from cheating.

1) Calm Down.

When a person faces an incredibly emotional situation, it is difficult to still view the issue with logic. This is why, the very first step is to STEP BACK. Give your mind a chance to accept this newfound information. Let it all sink in. You never thought this would happen to you, but unfortunately, this is real life.

Go on a vacation with a friend, stay at your sister’s place, or even go to nice hotel room for a weekend. Whatever you do, don’t make any rash decisions while you’re overcome with emotion. Even if you plan on leaving, you should leave with your good image and your dignity intact, not by immaturely attacking your spouse or their lover.

It is easy in these seemingly life shattering situations to want to lash out on those individuals who hurt you. Make them hurt exactly as they hurt you. Or, for those slightly less confrontational, to retreat into your head and try to figure out where you went long. It is important to remember DON’T BLAME YOURSELF. Your partner chose to either not talk to you or gave up trying to talk to you. Whatever it was that they were feeling, they decided to handle it this way. Even if they had a good reason to be feeling distant, going to someone else for consolation was never the answer.

Let yourself have some time to accept, regroup, and strategize. Don’t deal with the situation until you’re ready, but definitely prepare to deal with it. Get second opinions from your loved ones, but be sure the final decision is your own. You are the only one who has to life with the decision you end up making.

2) Assess the Situation.

You uncovered that your wife was cheating. While it is not at all okay that she decided to ‘solve’ her issues with someone else, remember a marriage is a two way street. If your wife was feeling so unsatisfied with your partnership that she strayed, it is important you understand what she felt was lacking in the relationship.

Has she come to you expressing feelings of distance? Did she tell you she missed the passion you two shared? Has she mentioned feeling jealous that her friends’ husbands take her out on dates while you two sit at home? There had to be something missing or she wouldn’t have had looked elsewhere.

  1. Listen. Even if it’s too late to help this marriage, understanding what got you two to this point could help you in future relationships.

  2. Keep questions focused on the root of the problem, and not on the person who they cheated with.

  3. Really try to understand her point of view.

  4. Ask her why she didn’t feel like she could come to you with her problems.

  5. If you two decided to continue working on the marriage, ask her what she needs from you to be happy. Also, reestablish what you require from her to feel secure.

In order to understand your place in this situation, you need to understand her side of the story. Maybe she mentioned her dissatisfaction and you just didn’t hear her pleas. Or maybe she is just a bad partner.

Whatever her reason ends up being, you don’t want to let it end because you weren’t living up to your end of the bargain. Ask questions and express your concerns so you may move forward with a clear conscious and without unanswered questions. If there ever were a time to lay it all out on the table, this is it.

3) Should I Stay or Should I Go?

When you and your wife promised “til death do we part”, it’s likely you weren’t picturing her cheating on you. Will you honor your vows and start the long road to rebuild the trust in your relationship, or will you throw in the towel and leave your old love behind?

Hopefully by now you understand how the other person is feeling and the facts are on table. What’s next?

You must decide, do you still love this person? If yes, can you handle having to rebuild trust in your relationship?

This is a hard decision to make, as it involves putting yourself in a vulnerable spot with someone who hurt you. Alternatively, stepping back out into single life leaves you just as exposed. 

If you said yes to both questions, it’s up to her.

  1. Does she seem genuinely regretful about her actions or is she just crying because she upset she was caught?

  2. Is she willing to take blame for her inability to address her concerns and the dishonesty she’s shown you or is she only pointing fingers back at you?

  3. Is she taking an active role in coming up with a plan to move forward or has she given up?

In order to move forward with your relationship intact, you both must vow to maintain honesty and respect above all else.

You must be understanding where she expresses concern, actively listening and be sure not to lash out even if something that she says strikes a cord. 

On the other end, she must be upfront with her feelings and must willing to take serious steps to earn back your trust.

Another incredibly important factor in this decision is how moving forward will affect your loved ones. Besides your spouse, your main support group will often be your family. If you are dragging this dead relationship behind you for fear of the unknown, you must be aware of the stress it puts on your support group.

Cheating will affect your children most of all. Many parents in unhappy marriages will stay together ‘for the sake of the kids’. But consider, staying together in a marriage where you two are unhappy and fighting, will only teach a child how to have equally unhealthy relationships in their future.

If your heart has hardened, she has moved on, or you just can’t trust this person again, then your answer is simple: Move on. 

Surround yourself with loved ones and keep yourself busy during this transitional period. The good news about divorce being as common as it is in America, is that there are plenty of people going through similar situations, and plenty more people in support groups you can join if you don’t have much support in your life already.

The ‘right’ answer is different for everyone, and what is right for you is something only you can determine. Cheating for some is a deal breaker, while many other couples remark on the sour situation only strengthening their marital bond in the end.

Whatever your decision ends up being, make sure you take the time to weigh all sides and address the scenario only after taking some time to think things over. Advice from friends and family can be helpful, but the decision is up to you.

Whatever you decide, know you don’t have to deal with this on your own. While this may be the end of your marriage, it is not the end of your life. With time and a fair amount of effort, you will find love, security, and happiness again.